Joke of the day

[zack_strife]

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."

[zack_strife]

If a bra is an
upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a
lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a
super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

[SamsonW]

lmao those were ridiculously senseless, but funny

[Itachi212]

JEEBUS, good ones! i really like the third one on page one.

[Victory21]

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just fu*kin' BEAUTIFUL!' "

Mind over matter!

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing!?" she asked.

The guy says...
"I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

[zack_strife]

Heard that 2nd one a long time ago, the 1st was meh, so hard to find good kokes now adays that nobody has heard before

[cursed uchiha]

liked them all good finds

[zack_strife]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.


The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."


The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."


The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

[deccrix]

^^lol good one, i chuckled...

An escaped convict ties a couple on bed... hugs the wife, kisses her ear and goes to the bathroom..

Husband: Satisfy him or he'll kill us... I saw the way he kissed you... be strong I love you...

Wife: He didn't kiss me... he whispered that he's gay and asked for petroleum jelly.. I told him its in the bathroom... you be strong, I love u more!

[Rendio]

Hahahaha, hilarious everyone, liked Zack's best!

[The stig]

Lmfao zack.

A woman goes on holiday and leaves her cat witht he neighbour.

Three days later, the neighbour rings up the woman and says "Your cat died." The woman on holiday says "That's a nice way of telling me." the neighbour says "what do you mean?" and the woman replys "Well you could of broke it to me gently by calling me up and said 'the cats gone missing, we haven't seen him for days.' then called me up two days later saying "we found the cat and he's on the roof' then rang me up the next day and say 'we're sorry, the cat slipped and didn't make it', not 'the cats dead'.

three days later, the neighbour rings up the woman and goes "Your husbands gone missing, we haven't seen him for days.".

.

[SamsonW]

Four gentlemen were golfing together one day, and their conversations shifted focus onto how successful their sons were.

The first man boasts, "My son is such a successful car salesman, a couple years ago, he gave his friend a brand new car!"

The second man boasts, "Well my son is such a successful stock trader, a couple months ago he gave his friend a fairly decent stock portfolio!"

The third man then goes, "Well my son is such a successful real estate agent, a couple weeks ago, he gave his friend a brand new house!"

The fourth man then spoke, "Well my son isn't very successful. He's been a hair dresser for a couple years now, and I just recently found out that he's gay... but he does get by somehow, his last three boyfriends gave him a brand new car, a great stock portfolio, and a brand new house."

[Anbukakashi14]

a boy is about to go on a date with his girl. He thinks its going to be "the date" so he goes to the pharmacy to buy some condums. He gets confused by all the different kinds. a pharmacist sees and goes out to help him with his problem. After he's done, his girlfriend calls and says that they are going to have dinner with her parents before going on there date.
Before they start eating dinner, they say grace, but the kid keeps his head bowed after they are done. His girlfriend leans over and whispers,"I didn't know you where so religious" He whispers back" I didn't realize your dad was a pharmacist."
I shortened the joke alittle from the original.