[2P][SS] Real life horror has remarkable colour.

[Ravi]

Title explanation: Last night, after getting incredibly drunk and high, me and some friends found a half torn down building. I quickly found a way to get in the basement, the stairs had collapsed. Once down our only source of light were my friend's cell phones. The entire basement complex was incredibly huge and there was graffiti and junk everywhere. entire walls were drawn on and there was weird text to be read everywhere. Then I figured this whole situation is completely the same as any horror movie you see. We would get seperated and of course people would start to disappear. Yet, in the contrary of what TV has taught me, the whole situation was remarkable in colour =p
In the end we ended up with a weird pile of loot, some hard-disk's hard disk's (=p), a giant Rugrats poster, a military helmet, some Donald Ducks, and a huge beer sign with Schobbelér on it.

Well, back from some more, people.. Was finally able to force something out of me again, without having to rely on competitions.. It's been a while. Sadly it all turned out rather uninteresting if you ask me. Therefore I'd like to know what exactly I'm doing wrong. Everything I manage to get out of me doesn't seem to be worthy of charm. The only decent one is, I'd say, Nova, which was generally a small work of passion. Inspired by other works I've read in my life. The hipcat poem is inspired by a band, if you're an awesome dude you'll know which specific song. Lastly is My Oasis, something I manage to write down pretty quickly. Maybe that's why it's not extremely intricate and deep.

Of course, as always, I highly appreciate any thoughts, criticisms or advice anyone of you could give to me.


Nova

As I look to my left. I am immediately punished by the searing winds. The frost slices through my skin and sends pain racing down my spine. What ruthless landscape has enveloped me?! What desolate monstrosity has my life become dependant on?! No man is a man of this continent. And to no avail struck brave souls to the pinnacles of ice. Buried in snow, infested by scavies. What fate has led me here to die by no avail?! While I make the hardest steps my hardened life has ever endured. By irony through a surrounding most common to me. Most common in this place of winds, darkness and deceit. They said no iceberg is the same. Yet they are all different, and I have named them all! And turned out none the wiser.
The reason for my petty existence on this plain is shrouded by my bitter pain. The burn, the hate, it makes the most soothing of memories forgotten. While everything turns blue, and the cold flame of Hell reigns the land. The tongue of demon is not one of flames, for I would jump him for his salvation of warmth. It licks at my heels, and pierces my throat. His tong is not one of warmth.
So as I pledge to this desolation, where night survives the sun. I deem myself a fool. My crew rests’. I would strangle any and all for that release. Down there in the locker. How am I to survive this place?! I find the banister. My fingers feel like glass when I brush off the snow.
I am granted a look down bellow, to the deepest and bluest pit of death to have existed. And I know that I am done. As the bow sways up and down and frost rips off the flag. I climb up the slippery banister. With my last warmth I raise myself to fall off, into the dark pit that will form my final wish. And down I fall, when the bow crashes into the dark splintering ice of my final destination. And I pray to God, that I do not fall to this rotten Archipellago as I yearn for the freedom of my undoing.



No Title Yet

With gliding rides, and elbow grease,
the gals dressed up, so nice. Oh please,
‘dem cats be looking for trouble.
‘dem cats be looking on the double.

Revving cars at dineries,
‘Pop be pulling up his beating sleeves.
‘dem cats are trouble.
There’s gonne be a rumble.

Local greasers, get the cars,
there’s a brawl at ‘Pops, so mark yer scars.
So take your bat, and swing yer chain,
all to protect the macho reign.

We ain’t wise, we don’t care for war.
We have our own, we take the score.

So when they ride, through pitch of night.
We are the ones to give them fright.



My Oasis,

From stranded days and time of yore,
Your souls can rest at my Oasis.
Follow the stars, then make a left,
And you’ll have arrived at my basis.

Souls with yearn, and those of lore,
Arrive to bask in the sun.
And then we will, with helpers deft,
Make all your quarrels undone.

And when you’re at rest,
Your soul now blessed.
Our job is not done,
Down here by the sun.

Because when you’re healed,
And lowered your shield.
We will pry out your soul,
And sacrifice it to the glorious abyss.

That is my Oasis.

[Night_Angel]

You have a talent with images and atmosphere...

I thought that Nova was mindblowing even though it was so short... I mean, I would LOVE to see this as a short story, perhaps with that same vague mood and use of the senses. But even if you don't do that, I have to congratulate you on how wonderfully you convey the sensations and mood. I loved the theme.

The "No Title" poem. Sureal, with a great use of verse. I'm not sure if it's something you studied or you're naturally good with this, but MAN it was impressive.

The "Oasis" was very very cool! It started out all nice and promising to make a sinister dive. I always love that...

Overall, your writing has an eerie, ominous mood that I find really appealing being a fan of Gothic horror. I hope you keep at it and write more, because you've definitely got "it".

[Martzu]

Ravikins, if you just knew how many times I have opened this thread and tried to figure out how to say what I'd like to say. But it seems that will not happen anytime soon so you just have to settle with this.

Nova

As I look to my left. I am immediately punished by the searing winds. The frost slices through my skin and sends pain racing down my spine. What ruthless landscape has envelopped (enveloped) me?! What desolate monstrosity has my life become dependant on?! No man is a man of this continent. And to no avail struck brave souls to the pinnacles of ice. Burried (buried) in snow, infested by scavies. What fate has led me here to die by no avail?! While I make the hardest steps my hardened life has ever endured. By irony through a surrounding most common to me. Most common in this place of winds, darnkness (darkness) and deceit. They said no iceberg is the same. Yet they are all different, and I have named them all! And turned out none the wiser.
The reason for my petty existence on this plain is schrouded (shrouded?) by my bitter pain. The burn, the hate, it makes the most soothing of memories forgotten. While everyhting (everything) turns blue, and the cold flame of Hell reigns the land. The tongue of demon is not one of flames, for I would jump him for his salvation of warmth. It licks at my heels, and pierces my throat. His tong is not one of warmth.
So as I pledge to this desolation, where night survives the sun. I deem myself a fool. My crew rests’. I would strangle any and all for that releas (release). Down there in the locker. How am I to survive this place?! I find the banister. My fingers feel like glass when I brush off the snow.
I am granted a look down bellow, to the deepest and bluest pit of death to have existed. And I know that I am done. As the bow sways up and down and frost rips off the flag. I climb up the slippery banister. With my last warmth I raise myself to fall off, into the dark pit that will form my final wish. And down I fall, when the bow crashes into the dark splintering ice of my final destination. And I pray to God, that I do not fall to this rotten Archipellago as I yearn for the freedom of my undoing.

Description is detailed and analyses that moment and situation. Short maybe, but you still managed to fill it with several things. You make me feel frost nibbling my cheeks *shivers*. So you did well ^^ Yet I miss something, that little thing highlighting, popping up from the background. This is good porridge from start to the end, but where are those frosty berries, that melting piece of butter, sugar frosting? I can't point my finger what and where so maybe this is just me trying to make sense while having this silly cold.

Empty line between paragraphs would make it bit easier to read from the screen, but that is just me once again.

No Title Yet

With gliding rides, and elbow grease,
the gals dressed up, so nice. Oh please,
‘dem cats be looking for trouble.
‘dem cats be looking on the double.

Revving cars at dineries,
‘Pop be pulling up his beating sleeves.
‘dem cats are trouble.
There’s gonne be a rumble.

Local greasers, get the cars,
there’s a brawl at ‘Pops, so mark yer scars.
So take your bat, and swing yer chain,
all to protect the macho reign.

We ain’t wise, we don’t care for war.
We have our own, we take the score.

So when they ride, through pitch of night.
We are the ones to give them fright.

Loving the rhytmscene. Especially

With gliding rides, and elbow grease,
the gals dressed up, so nice. Oh please,

and

We ain’t wise, we don’t care for war.
We have our own, we take the score.

were awesome. Last line pair summed meaning of this poem for me. No critique really, just admiring your skills.

My Oasis,

From stranded days and time of yore,
Your souls can rest at my Oasis.
Follow the stars, then make a left,
And you’ll have arrived at my basis.

Souls with yearn, and those of lore,
Arrive to bask in the sun.
And then we will, with helpers deft,
Make all your quarrels undone.

And when you’re at rest,
Your soul now blessed.
Our job is not done,
Down here by the sun.

Because when you’re healed,
And lowered your shield.
We will pry out your soul,
And sacrifice it to the glorious abyss.

That is my Oasis.

Maybe this is not so refined like your stuff usually, but it's still really good. And maybe because it's not so well thought and written through and through it still has that raw power of original thought behind it. As strange as it is, this might be the one I like most of there three.

[waqo]

That's odd cos for some reason I loved My Oasis the most too! =D

Overall excellent job Ravi, I'll comment more in due course, hopefully!