[S] Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating)

The stig · 06-09-2008, 05:29 PM

I'll post it in smaller parts, but this is a total rewrite.

For previous readers, you will notice the changes.

For example, i scrapped the idea of illusions and i've even word it differently.

Be as brutal as possible if you like

Tell me what you think.

UPDATED. Just so there's a little more action and some dialogue in there to.

I'm impressed at this re-write tbh.

This whole start was actually once covered in one page and the very top of the 2nd page, it's now 5 pages long.

sarah042 · 08-09-2008, 05:27 AM

You said be brutal....well here goes

:
In the beginning you started with a summary of events but you describe it as something like the beginning of star wars. this feature is a bit overdone in my taste but it accomplishes the task fairly well. You then cut to present day but in this regard you add nothing really to the plot. Finally you cut to 15 years earlier, this was really well done. The man sounds very intriguing and the descriptions that you give are concise and excellently executed, it was as if the scene was playing out before my eyes. As for the ending with the introduction of a baby another point for fantastic execution, leaving me anxious for more.

As for the present scene I don't know the reasons why you introduced it, it seemed out of place. On another note your characters seem strong even though you haven't written anything major about them. You've given them quite a strong presence. As for the dragon and wolf thing I know this is significant to the plot but again these two symbols for strong clans have been overdone so I would like to see how you would differentiate this aspect.

It's really great that you're rewriting this since I haven't been able to read it the first time; so I eagerly look forward to more, please don't keep me waiting.

The stig · 08-09-2008, 07:37 PM

Quote:

You said be brutal....well here goes :
In the beginning you started with a summary of events but you describe it as something like the beginning of star wars.

Yeh lol.

I was toying with the idea of a narrator or words.

I decided to go with words with the scenes of war etc playing out, like i previously did, but in a longer and better way lol.

Quote:

You then cut to present day but in this regard you add nothing really to the plot.

I forgot to add the names of the characters, lol, oops. They're added now. It doesn't add to plot persay, other than the fact you get a good idea of the names of the main characters.

Quote:

Finally you cut to 15 years earlier, this was really well done. The man sounds very intriguing and the descriptions that you give are concise and excellently executed, it was as if the scene was playing out before my eyes. As for the ending with the introduction of a baby another point for fantastic execution, leaving me anxious for more.

Thanks. This script would be nothing without this 15 years earlier part. The whole story, a lot of it, at least 50-70% of it relies, or rather, is a result of what happened 15 years earlier, and other "plot devices" i have got to add in later episodes

Quote:

As for the dragon and wolf thing I know this is significant to the plot but again these two symbols for strong clans have been overdone so I would like to see how you would differentiate this aspect.

Don't worry, there are other clans. It's just that the dragon and wolf clan happen to play a big part in this, which will be hard to believe once i get back to present day.

Ok, so here's some more. Tell me if the scene "gets to you", i really tried hard lol.

Sorry about the format, NM doesn't have the screenplay format, i don't think.

Also, to compare,

Can you see the difference?

sarah042 · 09-09-2008, 03:58 AM

Wow, actually the two scripts sound completely different. Compared to the original you've managed to produce a higher quality screenplay. I really don't know anything much about the pacing of a screenplay or screenplays in general but to me the second really read better. It was a fantastic improvement.

That one line that you added in the first part really made a difference, now you've roped me in wondering who are the four students and how they are the legacy. It's the small details like this that would entrap your fans

As for the second part it showed your skills for wetting the appetite without revealing too much. You've managed to impart the information in a very dramatic and enticing manner which really showed your improvement from the original. The descriptions are more intense and more importantly the reader (me) can visualize the scene as it unfolds without confusion. A great second part.

.
More please!

The stig · 11-09-2008, 11:46 PM

That cemetery scene was never in the original.

sarah042 · 13-09-2008, 10:22 AM

Impressive, this is quite a rewrite. There were some minor typos in the beginning but it could not detract from the easygoing story. It's nice to see that the main character has a soft side to him, and the relationship with his mother and father. You've set up quite the story, the graves of his parents sing the praises of their life yet people avoid Hiroto, not to mention the grave in the corner. You've introduced another character whom I am eager to meet, he seems like a version of Kakashi. This was another fantastic chapter, a treasure trove of information, I'm eagerly awaiting more

SL.x · 14-09-2008, 11:20 PM

This is great so far. You're putting in an emotional connection and keeping the dialogue faithful to the characters as far as I can tell. I just hope that unlike in your other script you do not try to get a quick romantic tie that resembles a fling with the main chracter, but try to explore it more this time. OTher than that its good. Just a quick pointer, you don't have to actually say that he turns the page every time, you can have it paranthetical under the character's name in dialogue. Usually anything up to 4 lines can be there after that you have to switch it down. It's a good story and its a good "revenge" type of set up but with a more complex twist. I would enjoy reading more of it when you post some.

The stig · 14-09-2008, 11:49 PM

Quote:

There were some minor typos in the beginning

Could you point them out so i can fix it, i'm to lazy to look

Please and thank you.

Quote:

Just a quick pointer, you don't have to actually say that he turns the page every time, you can have it paranthetical under the character's name in dialogue.

Yeh i know, but i wanted the feel of turning the page before he reads it, wereas, a lot of the time, putting in paranthetical usually means he turns the page while speaking.

Or at least thats what i read on this site thing lol.

Quote:

just hope that unlike in your other script you do not try to get a quick romantic tie that resembles a fling with the main chracter, but try to explore it more this time.

He he, this isn't a movie script, so i have more time to explore this type of thing between characters.

And don't worry, i do, i can give you a "hint", there's a twist in this "love", i can't wait until i've re-written all 11 episodes, then written the twelth and started on series two

Series two i'm planning on making a little more twisty and deep lol.

Quote:

It's a good story and its a good "revenge" type of set up but with a more complex twist.

I'm glad you've come to that conclusion since, well, there is a twist all set up

I actually have many twists in store for this show

I'll be working on the databook some time in the next couple of days, i would like to know whos stats and info you'd like to see next and theirs will be the one's i write up first.

SL.x · 15-09-2008, 07:31 AM

THat was pretty good. The characters are getting developed and I enjoy this little rilvary going on. This is getting to be quite good. I'm trying to anticipate how Hitoro moves on. When you wrote "lower warrior" I actually misread it as "lonely warrior" and for some reason didn't notice until the second read through. Somehow, right now I feel like that descrpition would fit as well.

sarah042 · 15-09-2008, 06:40 PM

The rivalry between Hiroto and Kaito is actually very interesting to read, and I look forward to reading something about how it actually developed. It was a fantastic idea to post from your databook because this gave useful insight into Hiroto. Great progression with both the plot and the character development, looking forward to more

maybe featuring Takeshi

The stig · 15-09-2008, 10:12 PM

Quote:

maybe featuring Takeshi

Lol, i think after this next bit you'll be intrigued by Takeshi. He's my favourite character, next to the "mysterious character"(spoiler, sort of).

Quote:

The rivalry between Hiroto and Kaito is actually very interesting to read, and I look forward to reading something about how it actually developed.

Well, i wish i could say it was something really interesting, but unfortunately, it's not, it's just, simplistic really, but the finding out of Kaito's past with Hiroto comes later lol.

I think i'll post a few more pages of the "databook" to, a few explanations of these techniques that have randomly appeared with no explanation(much like naruto and bleach

).

Quote:

It was a fantastic idea to post from your databook because this gave useful insight into Hiroto. Great progression with both the plot and the character development, looking forward to more

Thanks.

At least now, people have a little more background on characters

This scene was totally different in the original, and Hiroto actually hated his parents in the original, but i thought the way i've done it now was better and has moreof an impact. Plus i couldn't work in why Hiroto would hate his parents without making him a sasuke lol And i've had enough of that sasuke stuff lol. The cemetery scene was NEVER in the original, Takeshi introduction was actually a pervy introduction, but i didn't like people's first view of Takeshi as this perv who couldn't keep his "eyes" off michiko, i wanted a more deep character.

06-09-2008, 05:29 PM	#1
The stig Niju Shōtai Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: England...one and only Posts: 5,777 My Mood: Rep Power: 16	[S] Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) I'll post it in smaller parts, but this is a total rewrite. For previous readers, you will notice the changes. For example, i scrapped the idea of illusions and i've even word it differently. Be as brutal as possible if you like ext/int. mountains, buildings, village's, forests, deserts. day/night Words roll up the screen as the images of BATTLE and all out WAR play out in BUILDINGS, VILLAGE'S, on MOUNTAINS, in the open DESERTS and in the enclosed FORESTS. The time of day switches from day to night with each "flash" of battle and war. The words that roll up the screen are... "One hundred years ago, a terrible war ravaged lands and torn families apart. It brought friendships to an end, lovers became none existent." A shadowed figure with a katana strapped to his lower back, on the hip area, walks down a rainy path with battles all around him. "Once praised people, became nothing more than loners." The people battling around him vanish, he's left standing there, with no one. The words continue to roll up the screen with clans in different nations battling and preparing for war play out. "Clans upon clans of warriors fought till they dropped. Glorious nations quickly became nations of rubble and despair. Friends would die by the hands of their loved ones, their friends." Dark blood splashes upwards and the words continue to roll up. "This was more than just a war, this was a survival of extinction!" Warriors, storm like weather and giant beasts are shown clashing as the next set of words roll up. "Warriors crossed swords, battled along side giant beast and used elements to survive and kill...Their own family." The words continue to roll up the screen as the same scenes are shown, but with them starting to die down, indicating the "end". "The war is said to have lasted for, roughly, twenty years. Once it was "over", the landscapes had completely changed, they were now, nothing more than torn up nations." A shadowed man is shown kneeling in the mud with the rain pouring down from the heavens. Blood trickles down from his left eye and his shadowed face looks lonely. Bodies are lying on the floor, motionless. "One man knelt in the mud, surrounded by his closest friends, but he was alone, so...Alone..." The screen fades to black and the last words appear on the screen. "This war, the war that tore Mythia apart, was dubbed...Elementa!" ext. mythia. day We have a birds eye traveling view of Mythia as words appear on the screen. Mythia is now a rebuilt, but still war torn world. "One hundred years later, people managed to rebuild their world, but not to what it once was. Many places are still in ruin, but every nation, even those that are rebuilt, still show the aftermath of war." CUT TO: ext. seika village, highroad. day A pair of feet are shown walking through a CROWDED village. The ground is covered in snow and the buildings are old style Japanese buildings. Another pair of feet join the walk, making it four feet in front of us, then two other pairs of feet start walking down the highroad, making it four pairs of feet walking down the CROWDED high road. Words now roll up the screen as the feet walk. "The legacy of the war lives on in the people of Mythia, but the legacy of the heroes live on in four students..." FADE OUT: 15 years earlier. ext. seika village, dragon section, road to mansion. night The road is decorated in ceremonial decorations. Magnificent buildings are running down each side of the road and children play as their parents enjoy the free food and drink at the various stalls littering the road. A man walks down the CROWDED road, past the PLAYING CHILDREN. The people he passes smile at him and show the utmost respect. We can only see the back of him. He's wearing a black hooded top like garment and wearing black ninja like pants. The hood is up and a mask hangs on his right hip. The mask is that of two animals. One half is a wolf and the other half is a dragon. He's wearing black gloves. No skin can be seen. A katana is strapped to his lower back. It has a black handle with red diamond shapes on it, and the symbol of a wolf crossing a dragon runs down the sheath. The man raises his head slightly to look up. There's a mansion floating above a lake in the background and he begins to walk towards it. A boy falls over in front of him and begins to cry. The hooded man crouches down and helps him up. He places his hand on the boys left shoulder and takes a toy sword off a stand next to him. He hands it to the boy and then stands up. The boy runs off laughing while swinging the toy sword and the man walks off towards the mansion. ext. dragon lake. night The man walks towards the floating mansion and two armored guards with bladed staffs are standing in front of a magnificent flight of stone stairs, with golden rails running up both the left and right side. The guards' armor is in a style that shows wealth and honor. The bladed staffs also resemble this style. As the man approaches the flight of stairs, the guards let him through, no questions asked. They show him the utmost respect. ext. floating mansion, stairs. night The man walks up the stairs and at each flat, landing style surface, there are two guards standing to attention. They're clearly guarding the mansion while showing the hooded man the utmost respect. As the mans foot hits the tenth to last stair, he takes the mask from his hip and places it on his face. We see only the lower, left side of him. He reaches the top and the half dragon, half wolf mask is covering his face. The man stops as he gets off the last step. He looks up at the moon, which is glistening off the calm water of the lake. The mansion has four floors with outside landing type surfaces. The have the same type of rails as the stairs do. The mansion is roughly styled like an old Japanese castle from the 14th-15th century. The roof is styled in the Japanese way that it can be walked on as if it were a flat surface. The man looks at the doors and then proceeds to open them. As he opens the doors, there's a man, KOICHI, sitting by the side of a moses basket style bed smiling as he looks inside it. KOICHI is wearing a white with gold trim ceremonial robe and has long black and white "tinted" hair. The white is like tinted streaks that blend in with the black hair. koichi I thought you would of waited at the festival. ???? (light sad) I'm sorry... KOICHI You're sorry? For what? We hear the hooded man UNSHEATHE his sword and then see it CRASHING into the wooden wall, right next to KOICHI. The hooded man takes his sword out of the broken wooden wall and slashes towards KOICHI. KOICHI jumps back and lands in a crouching position. The moses basket is shown to have a young baby inside it, sleeping. The hooded man puts his arms to his side, with his sword kept in his right hand. KOICHI What are you doing?! Tell me what you think. UPDATED. Just so there's a little more action and some dialogue in there to. I'm impressed at this re-write tbh. This whole start was actually once covered in one page and the very top of the 2nd page, it's now 5 pages long. __________________ Last edited by The stig; 08-09-2008 at 02:42 AM.

08-09-2008, 05:27 AM	#2
sarah042 Genin Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Having an intelligent conversation with a total moron Posts: 178 My Mood: Rep Power: 6	Re: Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) You said be brutal....well here goes : In the beginning you started with a summary of events but you describe it as something like the beginning of star wars. this feature is a bit overdone in my taste but it accomplishes the task fairly well. You then cut to present day but in this regard you add nothing really to the plot. Finally you cut to 15 years earlier, this was really well done. The man sounds very intriguing and the descriptions that you give are concise and excellently executed, it was as if the scene was playing out before my eyes. As for the ending with the introduction of a baby another point for fantastic execution, leaving me anxious for more. As for the present scene I don't know the reasons why you introduced it, it seemed out of place. On another note your characters seem strong even though you haven't written anything major about them. You've given them quite a strong presence. As for the dragon and wolf thing I know this is significant to the plot but again these two symbols for strong clans have been overdone so I would like to see how you would differentiate this aspect. It's really great that you're rewriting this since I haven't been able to read it the first time; so I eagerly look forward to more, please don't keep me waiting. __________________ The one who comes in my dreams He comes and teases me The one for whom there is "yes" on my lips Is he real or is he some kind of legend? Tell him not to steal my sleep Tell him to come and face me

09-09-2008, 03:58 AM	#4
sarah042 Genin Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Having an intelligent conversation with a total moron Posts: 178 My Mood: Rep Power: 6	Re: Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) Wow, actually the two scripts sound completely different. Compared to the original you've managed to produce a higher quality screenplay. I really don't know anything much about the pacing of a screenplay or screenplays in general but to me the second really read better. It was a fantastic improvement. That one line that you added in the first part really made a difference, now you've roped me in wondering who are the four students and how they are the legacy. It's the small details like this that would entrap your fans As for the second part it showed your skills for wetting the appetite without revealing too much. You've managed to impart the information in a very dramatic and enticing manner which really showed your improvement from the original. The descriptions are more intense and more importantly the reader (me) can visualize the scene as it unfolds without confusion. A great second part.. More please! __________________ The one who comes in my dreams He comes and teases me The one for whom there is "yes" on my lips Is he real or is he some kind of legend? Tell him not to steal my sleep Tell him to come and face me

11-09-2008, 11:46 PM	#5
The stig Niju Shōtai Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: England...one and only Posts: 5,777 My Mood: Rep Power: 16	Re: Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) HIROTO'S clothing style is casual. His hair is medium length and black. It also has blonde streaks that blend in with the black hair, like his fathers white streaks blended in with his black hair. As HIROTO walks down the road, the people move out of his while CHIT-CHATTING about him. HIROTO sticks up his hood, puts his hands in his pockets and continues to walk down the road. A girls a hand taps him on his right shoulder and HIROTO turns round, but no ones there. He turns back and notices AKEMI standing in front of him, smiling while waving to him, in an innocent way, indicating some feelings for him. hiroto (slightly cheered up) Hey, Akemi. akemi So how are you this morning, Hiroto? HIROTO I'm fine, just a little co- HIROTO looks AKEMI up and down. HIROTO(cont'd) Aren't you cold in that? AKEMI is wearing casual summer clothes, in the winter... AKEMI is shorter than HIROTO and has shoulder length, pink, hair. She has green eyes, but with a touch of pink around the rim. Her tongue is pierced as well as her ears. AKEMI Nah, I'm fine. Why, is there something wrong? HIROTO Well, it's just that... AKEMI It's just that what? HIROTO It's the middle of winter and you're wearing summer clothes. AKEMI So! What's ya' point? HIROTO (sarcastically) That it's the middle of winter... AKEMI Whatever. Anyway, we need to get to class other wise Yoshi's gonna' be pissed. AKEMI grabs HIROTO'S hand and starts dragging him down the road. HIROTO Don't drag me! And what if your father sees you holding my hand? AKEMI You worry to much. Akemi starts running and Hiroto is forced to, because he's getting dragged. ext. academy, roof. day The roof is like any ordinary school roof, a flat surface with a door leading to the stairs. There's people dressed in various different types of clothing, some summer, some winter, half casual and half smart-casual. KAITO and KATSUO are leaning against the small wall/ledge. KAITO has his arms folded and KATSUO has his hands in the pockets of his blue, hooded top. KAITO and KATSUO are the same height, both tall with a medium build. KAITO has dark red hair and brown eyes. He wears casual, branded, clothing. His hair is medium length. KATSUO has short, black hair and dark eyes. He wears casual clothing that resemble jeans and hooded tops. Most of the girls are looking at them, three are looking at the girls, looking at them. KAITO unfolds his arms and pulls out a small, scorpion tail shaped blade from his sleeve and begins to play with it. kaito How long is she going to be? katsuo How long until you cut your thumb off? KAITO What? KATSUO You asked me a stupid question, so I asked you a stupid question. KAITO Why are you always so annoying? KATSUO I am? I hadn't noticed. KAITO turns round and places his blade on the wall/ledge that they're leaning against. He leans against it once more and KATSUO takes his left hand out of his pocket, revealing a snake tattoo on his hand that runs up his arm. The tattoo gets cut off by his sleeve. He turns round to face the same as KAITO. katsuo(cont'd) She'll be with him. The wind blows and then- FADE OUT. FADE IN: ext. seika cemetery. day The wind blows and pieces of snow fall off a tree branch, and onto a grave that has the name "KOICHI RYUUKAGE". There's and engraving underneath it saying "Died in battle, defending Seika to the very end...A true hero.". There is also a grave next to Koichi's engraved "MANAMI RYUUKAGE" and underneath the name, it says "Wife of Koichi, heroin to Seika and fought until her last breath...while awaiting to grace Seika with a new arrival.". HIROTO is standing in front of the grave and AKEMI is in the background, at the entrance to the cemetery. HIROTO holds the pendent of the necklace in his hand and then takes it off. He then places it on the grave of his father and places places the chain across the grave of his mother. He has the look of sorrow on his face. HIROTO Morning dad, and mum. I hope you're proud of me because today, I'm finally becoming a warrior. I got my results back yesterday and it said I passed. HIROTO sits down in the snow and takes out a small book with his results in, and opens it. HIROTO(CONT'D) In hand to hand combat, including weapons skills, I got seven out of ten, which was just scraping through, but I passed, that's all that matters. It says where I should improve and who would be best for my personal sensei. My sensei for hand to hand combat should be someone called, Takeshi. His full name is, uh, Ookami Takeshi. Apparently he's one of the sole survivors of the wolf clan. HIROTO turns the page. HIROTO(CONT'D) I got an eight out of ten in the forbidden arts. They've put down, Takeshi for my sensei again. Uh, lets see. HIROTO turns the page again. HIROTO(CONT'D) In summoning I got a five out of ten. I'm not very good at that, I can't even summon anything past medium height, unlike you, father. My sensei assigned is, Takeshi...again? Wow, this guy must be something. HIROTO closes the book and looks into the distance. HIROTO(CONT'D) The rest is about written work, history and all that. They said my strategic ability is impressive for my age, which is good, I suppose. At least with that I can avenge you. HIROTO looks down at the graves and the wind blows again. AKEMI (from the distance) Come on, Hiroto. We're going to be late. HIROTO stands up and picks up his necklace. HIROTO I guess I should get going. Goodbye, father, mother, I won't let your deaths go without punishment. HIROTO walks away, towards Akemi and notices a grave in the corner of his eye. The snow covers it, but he knows it well. He stops and looks at it. HIROTO(CONT'D) And I'll avenge you as well. That cemetery scene was never in the original. __________________

13-09-2008, 10:22 AM	#6
sarah042 Genin Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Having an intelligent conversation with a total moron Posts: 178 My Mood: Rep Power: 6	Re: Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) Impressive, this is quite a rewrite. There were some minor typos in the beginning but it could not detract from the easygoing story. It's nice to see that the main character has a soft side to him, and the relationship with his mother and father. You've set up quite the story, the graves of his parents sing the praises of their life yet people avoid Hiroto, not to mention the grave in the corner. You've introduced another character whom I am eager to meet, he seems like a version of Kakashi. This was another fantastic chapter, a treasure trove of information, I'm eagerly awaiting more __________________ The one who comes in my dreams He comes and teases me The one for whom there is "yes" on my lips Is he real or is he some kind of legend? Tell him not to steal my sleep Tell him to come and face me

14-09-2008, 11:20 PM	#7
SL.x Medical-nin Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Your House... (Seriously) Posts: 850 My Mood: Rep Power: 6	Re: Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) This is great so far. You're putting in an emotional connection and keeping the dialogue faithful to the characters as far as I can tell. I just hope that unlike in your other script you do not try to get a quick romantic tie that resembles a fling with the main chracter, but try to explore it more this time. OTher than that its good. Just a quick pointer, you don't have to actually say that he turns the page every time, you can have it paranthetical under the character's name in dialogue. Usually anything up to 4 lines can be there after that you have to switch it down. It's a good story and its a good "revenge" type of set up but with a more complex twist. I would enjoy reading more of it when you post some. __________________ Californication

15-09-2008, 07:31 AM	#9
SL.x Medical-nin Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Your House... (Seriously) Posts: 850 My Mood: Rep Power: 6	Re: Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) THat was pretty good. The characters are getting developed and I enjoy this little rilvary going on. This is getting to be quite good. I'm trying to anticipate how Hitoro moves on. When you wrote "lower warrior" I actually misread it as "lonely warrior" and for some reason didn't notice until the second read through. Somehow, right now I feel like that descrpition would fit as well. __________________ Californication

15-09-2008, 06:40 PM	#10
sarah042 Genin Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Having an intelligent conversation with a total moron Posts: 178 My Mood: Rep Power: 6	Re: Mythia, rewrite. (15 age rating) The rivalry between Hiroto and Kaito is actually very interesting to read, and I look forward to reading something about how it actually developed. It was a fantastic idea to post from your databook because this gave useful insight into Hiroto. Great progression with both the plot and the character development, looking forward to more maybe featuring Takeshi __________________ The one who comes in my dreams He comes and teases me The one for whom there is "yes" on my lips Is he real or is he some kind of legend? Tell him not to steal my sleep Tell him to come and face me Last edited by sarah042; 15-09-2008 at 06:42 PM.