[P] The purification

**Yung_DRASTIC** · 29-08-2008, 04:22 AM

The Purification....

Before there where them, there was us.

Before the force breeding there was lust.

Before the lies, trickory, and deceipt, there was trust.

Now true/lies has been exposed, natural selection of segration has been
imposed.

As time went on the ingredients have been gathered, and the beauty shall be composed.

Hatred of others self-worth, seem blasempth, and deemed unfit so we were disposed.

Through courage, and unreleting strength rose to heights.

Dreaming with opened eyes, we blinded with new sights.

Shackeled, detained, imprisoned by faith, freed to soar the heavens ceilings on the wings of hope inwhich we were given flight.

They say our Utopia, is evil, unjust, unrulely.

They promised us independence, leave, surely.

Instead we die, and our relics fall, memories fade, survival is what we grasp, barely.

Through they're unification, judgment is pass through justification, in the of the holy PURIFICATION.

This came to me when i was in iraq, imagining what it could possibly be like on the detainnee fence.

**Martzu** · 03-09-2008, 09:41 PM

Seriously, I thought I had commented this one O_O wtf happened?

But back to the topic. There are few typos, it turns my mood off a bit when reading poetry. But it's a small thing. Ending of last line "in the of the holy PURIFICATION" confuses me, in the what of holy purification? I am sorry, but I don't understand it ^^;;

I like how this one comes from real life experiences and inspiration. Poem has good flow, it's nice to read out loud ^^

Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work!

Ravi · 04-09-2008, 05:11 PM

Heya Young! Took me a while to manage to read it all, but here I am. ^_^

I've got some extremely simple tips for you which could help you improve a lot!
There were several things which kept me away from really getting into it and digging into the context, first, there's the space between each sentence.
Don't do it! There's reasons there are stanza's, proper use of the 'Enter key' will make reading a lot more easy for everyone!
There's other unecisary typing your poetry could fare without, like the 4 dots after the title. It pulls down the title itself! The Purification sounds nice! The Purification..... sounds like you're doubting about something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yung_DRASTIC

Now true/lies has been exposed, natural selection of segration has been
imposed.

Don't use 'true/lies' like that, because the slash can't be pronounced it makes things more complicated. Which makes it confusing for the reader, which results in the loss of the vibe!
The enlargement of surely and purification is a bit overdone as well. Making things Italics and/or bold or even underlined is risky enough as it is.
The 'surely' would fare well with just Italics, and purification would be better bold, instead of Caps.

Making sure you follow some simple guidelines would help you make the impact you're seeking! It will also draw attention quicker and people will start to get interested. There's many things a good format could do for you! Go for it!

sarah042 · 05-09-2008, 01:42 AM

As I've told you the intense emotions of this poem was nicely conveyed. Although it took longer to read through due to the spelling errors if you follow the advice from Martzu and Ravi this poem would truly be riveting. I love the ideas that you have and the way you convey them through descriptive phrases, keep it up I'm eagerly awaiting more.

29-08-2008, 04:22 AM	#1
Yung_DRASTIC Donator Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: A place where the rain never stops... Posts: 146 My Mood: Rep Power: 0	[P] The purification The Purification.... Before there where them, there was us. Before the force breeding there was lust. Before the lies, trickory, and deceipt, there was trust. Now true/lies has been exposed, natural selection of segration has been imposed. As time went on the ingredients have been gathered, and the beauty shall be composed. Hatred of others self-worth, seem blasempth, and deemed unfit so we were disposed. Through courage, and unreleting strength rose to heights. Dreaming with opened eyes, we blinded with new sights. Shackeled, detained, imprisoned by faith, freed to soar the heavens ceilings on the wings of hope inwhich we were given flight. They say our Utopia, is evil, unjust, unrulely. They promised us independence, leave, surely. Instead we die, and our relics fall, memories fade, survival is what we grasp, barely. Through they're unification, judgment is pass through justification, in the of the holy PURIFICATION. This came to me when i was in iraq, imagining what it could possibly be like on the detainnee fence. __________________ *Make your next move, the best Move!* Last edited by 4thseal; 29-08-2008 at 05:55 AM.

05-09-2008, 01:42 AM	#4
sarah042 Genin Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Having an intelligent conversation with a total moron Posts: 178 My Mood: Rep Power: 6	Re: [P] The purification As I've told you the intense emotions of this poem was nicely conveyed. Although it took longer to read through due to the spelling errors if you follow the advice from Martzu and Ravi this poem would truly be riveting. I love the ideas that you have and the way you convey them through descriptive phrases, keep it up I'm eagerly awaiting more. Last edited by sarah042; 05-09-2008 at 01:43 AM.