[P] Some Poems

[KeavyODonagh]

~~~~~ Garbled Endings ~~~~~
Death awaits, the executing sentence
Watching cautiously, every motion and sense
Ruffled conviction, with potty poise
Jocund life, despite my eccentric joys
Arriving in awry juncture, darkness precipitates
Daunting my sagacity, arising concern, straits

Hallucinated, death detracts my garbled existence
Slowly devising ones fascinated romance
Paths look inanimate, as spirits cry for aid
Life surpasses in a second, all begins to fade
One may not even begin to reckon, as the end closes
There your body lies, with nothing more, but a bed of roses

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~ Bliss ~~~~~
Cold, in need of Bliss
Rainfall, descends no more
My heart aches, something new

For someone to hold, and kiss
Painful tears, happiness no more
I have died, dismissing all of you

Forgotten, merely repleted in Bliss
Rain shall fall, I abhor no more
Soon enough, I have faded, adieu

[4thseal]

Garbled Endings:

I liked this poem a lot. Your word choice is excellent. "Sagecity" what a sexy word! And, other descriptive modifiers you used were right on key. Definitely the strongest aspect of the poem. I also enjoyed the subject; it's soft and a bit tragic, which I appreciate. I think you did very well in conveying the last moments of death and the feelings therein. My critique would be that the flow and form are a bit rough. I don't know if it was the soft stops are the mixture of thought and elongated sentences, but something in the flow feels off. Perhaps, fitting it into some form would help. Or, if anything else, tweaking and ommiting some words in the sentences to make things more tight...

Bliss:

Another good poem. The ABC rhyme scheme works very well and the repetition of it was good. A shorter poem, though, I like the discussion of pain and death, very dark and appealing! I would've personally liked to see more of the descriptive and buetiful language from the first poem in this poem. On the other hand, I think the flow and beat work much better here than in the first poem.

Thank you for sharing! New comers are always welcome here, and I can tell you've got a lot of tallent--so, feel free to share more with us anytime!

[KeavyODonagh]

This one is way different than the others, but just like them, it shares the similarity of anger and pain:

~~~~~ Letting It Go ~~~~~
It's time I moved ahead,
Leave it behind; let it go.
Too much heartache, like she had said,
It came over me, so I'll let it go.
Something new, refreshingly new,
So I can, let it all go.
I tried, and tried, but never knew,
It was hard to let it, let it all go.

I'll force myself; I know I can try,
To let it go.
I can do it, even if I die,
I will one day let this all go.
Do I really want to?
Let this all go?
Fly past me, on a whim?
Is it that easy, can I really let him go, or forget him?

Should I do this?
Let it all go?
Maybe I will, for the sake of them,
And see it all quickly; quickly just go.
It won't haunt me anymore,
Once I let this all go.
I'll laugh in the years to come,
That I simply couldn't, just let him go.

Nothing will matter,
So, I guess it's my time.
My time to just do it,
I'm letting this go.





The rest of these are really old, and they are in a different style of writing:

~~~~~ Black, White, Gray ~~~~~
Black, white, and gray
Black and white i see all around
I try to give back with a fight
Nothing i do seems to work and i feel as if im going to drown.
Gray is the world around me today
But i remain curled in the corner filled with color...
I feel like a foreigner, confused with only the colors of:
Black, white, and gray.
And soon my eyes will only see red for the rest of the day.

~~~~~ Awkward ~~~~~
How awkward i feel and as if i could not seal myself from you.
You seem to understand, and are always ready to lend me a helping hand.
Yet my mind cannot get rid of you... is it true?
Have i fallen madly in love with you?
I yelp to see if you can help me...
Will you help me get over you?
No wait, moreover to also understand thee?

~~~~~ Envy ~~~~~
Envious I walk about the street.
There it is again, oh how sweet,
they sit and laugh; they run and play.
What I would give to do that someday.
Sadness sweeps throughout my body,
making me have thoughts of absentness.
I weep and still dream to have such a love that deep.
As I sleep he comes,
the one that my heart loves,
but still he's as distant as the sound of the drums that come from my heart.
I feel as if we will forever remain apart;
but there one day, life will cease and never more persist to be gray.
He will become a piece of me, and we will be together forever.

~~~~~ Forewarding Time ~~~~~
What would happen if i could go into the future...
Would you then love me?
What would happen if i did go into the future...
Would we be more than friends?
What would you do if you could go into the future?
Did anything we say matter, or would our friendships shatter?
Would you go into the future, so should i? hehehe

[4thseal]

Letting It Go:

Nice! Really liked that ending, definitly powerful and memorable. The subjects interesting and the back and forth of emotion and decision works for me. I do think that it was a bit repetitive at times and the flow wasn't as tight as it could've been. And, you could've up'd the word choice a bit. But, overall, this was well written and to me somewhat different than the first two poems.


Black, White, Gray:
Interesting poem. The discussion of perception is neat. And, the internal struggle of the persona come a crossed very clear. The flows a bit off, and I think this could work well in some form. Especially considering the last lines ryme and meter, which I really liked but I think the rest of the piece could build up better to that point.

Awkward
This poem is good. I like the asking of questions and of falling in love. Don't really think the old English "thee" is necessary, though, and along these lines I do think the ryme patten could be more dynamic. Though, the poem was cool in general.

I yelp to see if you can help me...

^Love this line!

Envy:
Interesting, but again the flow is rough. I like the emotion, and love the way your tell the action of the story. The descriptions are good, and the ending was real interestinging, definitly brought the whole poem together.

Forwarding Time
Love the title! It's a nice poem and the beat is very cool. And the ending made me smile. Think it was a bit basic in word choice and such, but that's just a minor critique.

So, I tried to address each poem individually. I hope I have not come off too critical, just wanted to give input as well as say that the poems where pleasant. I do think your a good writer. Your subjects are interesting, and the perspectives you write through are intriguing!

[KeavyODonagh]

Thanks.

I hope I have not come off too critical, just wanted to give input as well as say that the poems where pleasant.

Honestly I appreciate your honesty, unlike others, who just say its okay.

One more for now. Composed it yesterday:

~~~~~ Vitality Engrossed ~~~~~
Winter breeze, arousing my soul
Crystals freeze, retracting the sun
Wilting roses, fail to bloom
Life blurs, withal nothing consumes
Apollo concieves, shimmers of hope
My heart perceives, naught for goodness' sake

Desolate I lay, in wait for cacoethes
Nor will it convey, vitality engrossed
Naif of my milieu, besot am i of both
The happiness they posses, and my insistent oath
In short i will relay, ceasing not to sin
Despite my passionate display, evermore my heart shall anticipate

[4thseal]

That's real good one! pesonally my favorite that you've posted thus far. I really like the ryme scheme being in the middle of the poem. I especially like the use of verbs at the end of each introductory phrase as well. Your word choice was nice and mixed well with one another as well. I do thing the flow was a bit rough, especially in terms of the meter pattern. Like wise, while the rhyme scheme works incredibly well, I do think at times it's a bit repetitive and could be a bit more dynamic. As for what's being discussed, it's really cool. It's a bit vague, but the great words and emotions you weave through out really makes the narrators dismay damn intriguing!

[Martzu]

I happy to see another new peep to post in lit. section. 4th gave the critique so what is left here? XD

But anyway, do post more of your works. I enjoyed a lot to read them. Thank you for sharing.

[KeavyODonagh]

Sorry I haven't been on, the new year and such.

~~~~~ Fear ~~~~~
Broken, nevertheless your love is sustaining
Mending from it, however my life is draining
Who are you, what have you done, where have you gone?
Life seems to have changed you, and your song
You have changed, just like your many different faces
Nothing is the same, just like your different embraces

My eyes, they fill with tears
For all I can do is deny my fears
I shall pray for you, maybe then
I can see that sweet, sweet face again
Yes, I'll admit it despite my pride, I'm scared for you
But I don't matter, nothing does, only your happiness and what you do


~~~~~ Strive ~~~~~
Nothing essential has come from this
My design is of no potential , simply of reminisce
Engulfed by emotions to strong for me
Enstranged by notions, I'd rather not agree

Pity not my wretched soul's suplications
Envy me not for dead am I, as well as I strive for my dedications
My life in a simple way, is filled with nothing but anguish
My love is as simple, to never betray, despite it all, and my hearts constant wish


~~~~~ Rebirth ~~~~~
New world, as darkness descends
Clearing a new start, she tries not to pretend
Nothing can be forgotten, but refrained from
Distance renewed, as his rejections become
Ignored, sunrise awakens - refreshing her spirits
Giddy, dancing in blue circles - she never submits

Black-hearted, insearch for rebirth
Insitant for him, knowing what it's all worth
Looking away, she cannot bare it any longer
Resolving her fears, mirth allows no stir
In reminisce, she cries still - her bitterness will be dissolved
Her love, her old life - will forever reamin unsolved

I think thats enough for now.

[Martzu]

Welcome back ^^ Good to see you posting again.

Themes are wonderful and the way you worked them through. Only complain I have is about the structure in first and second poems beginning and ending is bit unbalanced. But that is minor matter. 3rd one, Rebirth was best of these 3, imho. I really like subjects of your poems and the way they deal human mind and relationships.

[KeavyODonagh]

thanks,


~~~~~ Candy ~~~~~
Sweetness fails, nonetheless she continues
Copious ambitions, arduous adiues
There he stands, insensate with a brandy
Pale in disgust, she puts down her candy
Rushing in departure, to her homely chateau
She finds comfort, and soon enough another beau

Emotions are little, evidently elegant
Loveless flavour, cueing of his levant
Life goes on, with little reminders of his fragrance
Energetic, the given memory does, further feeding the romance
Desireable, the thought so sweet -of once more to meet
Then, could she face him once again - brandy in hand, complete

[Martzu]

Delicious I would say. Beautiful description of the situation.

[4thseal]

I absolutely agree with what Matzu said about the poems "fear," "strive," and "Rebirth." The structure and flow seemed hampered in the first two poems, and I think the sentence structure could definitly be reworked. I really liked "Rebirth." The flow was on key, and the word choice was real well placed. And, I really liked the way it sounded, there was a good amount of action in the beat and wording.

As for the last poem, "Candy," it was really interesting. I think the more sophisticated (is that the right word?) wording in the peice did add to the concept and idea of eligance, and this is something I liked. Brandy is, after all, thought of as a more sweet and sophisticated drink. It was a real good metaphore for the piece. Yet, some of the words felt forced or intentially complex, which isn't bad but did lessen the poem effect imo. Though, I really did like the poem. It's real deep and caused me to think a lot on such a light thing as sweets .

[KeavyODonagh]

Kinda new, well i made it twenty minuets ago. Sort of strange, i think it needs more work:

~~~~~ Bewitched ~~~~~
Mist decending the woodlands, as I run past its creeks
The bon fires, and Samhain has started, despite my benightedness
Exiled from society and ignored by companions, Ive counted for weeks
I think it is time, regardless of their thoughts, tis time I confess
My body, and soul, has all been transformed - me think Ive been bewitched

For the better you see, I now have powers, I am now enriched!
Surely I am not, under a love spell, for never would I have the power to tell
But if you join me, next time I leave, we shall go for Yule or Ostara
We will have our chance, in celebration, to see him emerge from HELL!
Dancing with lust, we shall drink until the sun, for then we shall soon withdraw

[Interpreter]

Very nice poems all so far I don't have much to add, 4th did a good job like he usually does. For your newest one it gave me a bit of a rush, the fast paced dim placement but in a slow reality. Time itself seemed not to exist till the end.

Very good but I do agree that it could be expanded on or added to but that's up to you and how you are satisfied with it.

Just a piece of advice for grabs, Live in the moment, when you right don't just wright feel what you right. Let the emotion grab you but not take you. That moment or situation is all that matters not the future or the past. But that moment when you take control things seem to flow with ease.

[Martzu]

Originally Posted by KeavyODonagh

~~~~~ Bewitched ~~~~~
Mist decending the woodlands, as I run past its creeks
The bon fires, and Samhain has started, despite my benightedness
Exiled from society and ignored by companions, Ive counted for weeks
I think it is time, regardless of their thoughts, tis time I confess
My body, and soul, has all been transformed - me think Ive been bewitched

For the better you see, I now have powers, I am now enriched!
Surely I am not, under a love spell, for never would I have the power to tell
But if you join me, next time I leave, we shall go for Yule or Ostara
We will have our chance, in celebration, to see him emerge from HELL!
Dancing with lust, we shall drink until the sun, for then we shall soon withdraw

I bolded one word there. Should it really be 'me' or 'I'?

But never mind about that, this is still an interesting poem. In away a mini story too. And some rethinking could be in place to make this even better one. But it is good right now too.

[KeavyODonagh]

well i did make it at 2 in the morning... but i was trying to convey an older century.
Overall, thank you all for the advice.

[Interpreter]

That's quite impressive for two in the morning. I'd have to say and I see how it does protray an older civilization or century. If that's the case then ME definantly fits better than I to me anyway.

And your welcome, I like to see people improve in anyway they can, especially in writing it's not something that everyone can do, and is especially since it's a great way to express and release the feelings. I'm to much of a thinker to be a good writer, I get destracted to easiely contemplating all the problems and then I forget my subject I had in the first place. lol . But, I like to help anyway I can.

[4thseal]

This poem was really cool! The subject matter was fasinating for sure, and I just loved how it took me down this sinful road of who knows what. I like the illusion to deamonery too, it was just neat. Your word choice is real good too, and the flow works, especially hate the end with the hard stops. I could here the poem well in my mind and those hard stop sounded excellent.

I think what Martzu was getting at with the "me" is that the older english feel didn't come acrossed as well as it could've. I would just stay in modern English. However, if you wanted to persue that lexicon, I recomend writing the whole the in the older english, perhaps even using some of the saying's and metaphors of the time. To me, using a few words just threw me off and took away from the meaning of the poem.

And, again, I just loved the meaning. It's definitly a creative appraoch and I think you did very well there.

[KeavyODonagh]

Not sure how good this was... i just made it right after i woke up. Well enjoy!


~~~~~ Untouchable ~~~~~
Untouchable, as feelings go through
Unthinkable, as thoughts remain
Unbelievable, can it be anymore true?
Unchangeable, can you forever refrain?
Unreliable, you deserve no thank you!
My heart's confused, for you are vain!

Inappreciable, you think you are
Inconceivable, you are more to me
Indescribable, for to me you are a star!
Inescapable, for my thoughts consist of thee!
Inseparable, nay we shall forever remain afar?
My mind's submitting, but will you never agree?



Please be gentle with your critique on this one. its about my kitten that just died.. and this isnt the first one ive lost and in an ironic way, the first one got me prepared for what i had to go through today.

however!! i dont want sympathy either, even though i need it. please just tell me what you think about this poem.. and the one above since no one has commented on that one either. Thanks and God Bless

~~~~~ This Life will be the Death of Me ~~~~~
Life, filled with many joys, and my little boys
Playing, they run care free, and filled with glee
They grow, oh so fast, to leave you surpassed
Grinning, they play with toys, unaware of their future shadowy envoys
Time flies, and you live in jubilee, but nothing will guarantee
Gloom soon creeps in, to harass, taking all you have and leaving you alive last

Brokenhearted, strife employs you and slowly the pain completely destroys
Compelled, I am left, as your emcee, and this life will be the death of me
I will be left to bury you one by one, alas, my little boys have left me, emotionally trashed

[4thseal]

This was an interesting poem. I like the pattern of verb - reflection, and adding the modifiers of "in" and "un" was certainly an interesting choice. Personally, I would have found it interesting if you had used different words in the secound stanza rather than the "in." For example, "inconcievable" could be "can't conceive." I only suggest this as it would add to the contrast between the two stanza. And...well...the word "inconceivable" reminds me of the guy from "The Princess Bride" (j/k couldn't help it =P.) Any, this was good, the last line was very intersting and I liked how it was almost as if it was a challenge, this really made the poem memorable.