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Thread: [P] The Morning's Nightmare

  1. #1

    Default [P] The Morning's Nightmare

    I think it's pretty rough but it's hard to write cohesively when your emotional, but as always suggestion are more than welcome.

    The Morning's Nightmare

    Who ever knew a Tuesday morning could be so blue.
    The sun is still hiding from me under the horizon,
    Happiness loses me, hiding behind my closed lids.
    I never knew waking up would be the hardest part,
    Without you with me my day doesn’t start.
    From dreams confused to sunlit rooms,
    From the unknowing to the nightmare’s cocoon.

    Reality was put on hold by my 5-hour lacuna.
    Only in my unconscious can I hide from the pain.
    My eyes open and the tears need to flow,
    My body is up and moving but my spirit hangs low.
    In dreams the night before you invade shamelessly through the doors.
    The grief here still exist but better than the morning,
    When my life again turns toward a dismal abyss.

    Waking up on a Tuesday shouldn’t be this hard.
    Maybe Wednesday will be even harder.
    And day by nightmare its strength intensify,
    My heart grows weaker the still pain electrifies.
    Troubles grow in my time awake my hands always on the shake.
    Sharp tools seem to hold ideas within their points,
    If I look too long hands may slit and push into joints.

    The someday of the future is blocked by nightmares.
    Waking up in the morning realizing you’re not here.
    Even now I want to leave, my heart feels heavy like it wants to dream.
    But I won’t sully your name I don’t know why,
    What you did to me, even now I cannot scream.
    My heart wakes up broken, gaping holes leaving it open.

    I don’t want to believe that you did this to me.
    What was my use of being the best I could be?
    You said you loved me as I looked into your eyes,
    Yet still you left me teary eyed.
    Suddenly put back into the light,
    Your heart confused by the one time went by.
    Even deep breaths cannot stop my gasp,
    As your heart was never mine.
    All I really did was fill the time, all the while until,
    I learnt you silently hoped for another’s body soul and mind.
    Leaving my heart and me on the ground still blue.

    You said you loved me and I love you.
    So know there was a point to my painful fall,
    When the red blood runs and the pain disappears.
    Blue is what I’ll forever be in sea of endless tears.
    Last edited by June Bear; 07-04-2009 at 01:29 PM.

  2. #2
    Chuunin sarah042's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Morning's Nightmare [P]

    I really liked the beginning and ending of this poem June, it contained such emotion. But as I read it, there were some lines that the rhyming felt forced, and others the punctuation hampered the flow. A friend once told me "A poem should have descriptions but it must be wisely applied, otherwise it muddles the poem." I think that you tried to bring too much descriptions into the poem, and then had trouble cohesively tying it in.
    This is something that I have trouble with as well and unfortunately it is something gained from practice and knowledge.

    Your heart confused by the one time went by.
    ^Didn't know what meant by this line

    Overall it is a good piece but it requires fine tuning. Keep up the fantastic writing...especially pieces derived from intense emotion, with patience and care they are priceless works.


    We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
    Oscar Wilde
    Lady Windermere's Fan




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