Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: Fanciful Fairy Tales

  1. #1

    Default Fanciful Fairy Tales

    Just trying out some new stuff let me know what you think

    We all dream, putting words to the wind.
    One day hoping to end the last chapters of our book with love.
    Common is the hidden thought that happy endings are scarce.
    It is known but not remembered until realized.
    Not everyone can be the lucky fool with a princess.

    We can go years secretly hoping for true love.
    True is not always the love,
    But we would like to think we are the wise.
    Believing love is true doesnít make it truthful,
    Loving someone with all your heart isnít that magical.

    What is magical is when two people can give everything.
    Few people can as the past is as twisted as the future,
    But still we hope that what we dream of is real.
    Reality is that shock you feel in your heart,
    When you realize you can never be that person Noah.

    You like many others were background characters to their stories.
    You always thought it possible for prince charming to be you,
    Always believing that nothing can take you away from her.
    At least until her real fairy tail love comes back.
    Back from his nap to build the dramatic tension,
    Heightening the sound of the shattering.
    Shattering that fills your ears,
    When your heart hits the floor.

  2. #2
    skeletons need smokes 4thseal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    enver, co
    Rep Power

    Default Re: Fanciful Fairy Tales

    This really interesting. I like the subject alot, the annaylsis of love is good, and seemed to reviel about the persona. The assumptions and claims on love too add alot to the poem as it gives it not only context, but assertions which challenge the reader's own conception of love. The last paragraph really worked well as you turned it towards the more personal, address someone and bring all that is discussed in the poem full circle, as well as created a new focal point. So, idea and thought wise you are really there and this poem is capitivating.

    My critique, though, would be that stylistically the poem is real rough. The lines, and sentences don't flow well and much more your wording simply makes it a bit difficult to read. Here, for instance:

    True is not always the love,
    I get what you are trying to do, play with the phrase 'love is not always true." However, the way in which you write the line confuses the mind. It is gramatically incorrect, well at least the sytanx is off, which is going to sound odd to your reader. Instead, you could attempt to play with stylistic elements and gramatical marks, to create the feeling you are going for. So:

    True is not always the love,
    could read as

    Love - not always true.

    Truth does not always equal love.
    Just a few examples, though, working with your sentence to make sure they sound well as well as carry the meaning could go a long way. Along these lines, a lot of words could be ommited, so that your flow is more coherent. Essentially it feels like a lot of telling, and more showing and active sentence would stregnthen the poem.

    Overall, however, I really liked this. It is clear you are putting forth a lot of energy and reflection and that makes the poem very appealing.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts