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Thread: tazer birthday gift

  1. #1

    Default tazer birthday gift

    (its a bit of a read but worth it)ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS_
    > > Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
    > >
    > > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
    > > his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
    > >
    > > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    > > sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
    > > looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
    > > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of
    > > the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    > > affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
    > > safety....??
    > >
    > > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
    > > home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
    > > button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
    > > pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same
    > > time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth
    > > between the prongs.
    > >
    > > AWESOME!!!
    > > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
    > > on the face of her microwave.
    > >
    > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    > > it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
    > > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    > > (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    > > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    > > target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
    > > a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
    > > was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
    > > mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
    > > I wrong?
    > >
    > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    > > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    > > hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
    > > burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    > > supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    > > three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    > > ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    > > would be wasting the batteries.
    > >
    > > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    > > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    > > (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
    > > 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description,
    > > but I'll do my best.. .?
    > >
    > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    > > side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second
    > > burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    > > decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
    > > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
    > >
    > > HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE
    > > HELL!!!
    > >
    > > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    > > up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    > > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
    > > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    > > on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
    > > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was
    > > making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
    > > frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
    > > getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
    > >
    > > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
    > > note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
    > > zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    > > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three
    > > second burst would be considered conservative?
    > >
    > > IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
    > >
    > > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    > > that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    > > surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
    > > the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
    > > from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
    > > were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
    > > Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
    > > drooling.
    > >
    > > Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
    > > my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
    > > which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and
    > > I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
    > >
    > > P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the
    > > gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    > >
    > > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
    Last edited by SkullKnight; 20-04-2009 at 08:24 PM.

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