[P] "Weakness"

[June Bear]

It might be a little rough because this is the first go

I feel weak knowing inside I can’t hide
Someone always trying to sneak
Into my heart into my soul
Reaching to grab her so bold
Always lusting for my blood
Hanging from overhead
My fate dangles like a thread
Wanting to spill it in the moonlight
Where blood shines bright
Showing my weakness

Oh how weak am I
Something I can’t answer
Not because I do not know
But scared of what the truth will be

Weakness surrounds me
They feel it in the air
I know they do
They hide their twisted snares behind blank faces
Not even offering a smile
I know they wait for my death
So they can take what’s mine
At least what I thought was to be
I was hers and she was mine

Maybe that was only a line
But how I wish I had a line
Something to keep my heart straight
It twist and bends like the spine
So violently it pains
And now it rains
Not water but red

Will you still not offer a sign
I have bleed dry
I can’t continue without
If you give me nothing now I will be nothing
I will have nothing
Only a bent heart lost in wondering
I know am I weak
This is why
Tell me you want to stay
I will believe you even if it is a lie
My weakness is this life we have
I want it to stay alive

[4thseal]

I liked this. The subject matter of one's feeling and how the narrators fells stuck in something that perhaps does not feel right, and yet he or she wants is very interesting. Its speaks well to relation ship and the pondering and meandering of the past and again the feelings was very powerful. Some suggestions would be to pay attention to your flow as well as punctuation. As the poem reads right now, things kind of run into eachother, so punction would help with the natural pause of things. Likewise, removing some erroneous words would also help with the flow of the pice. Overall, really nice job for a first draft!

[June Bear]

Hey sorry for taking so long to comment back. Thank you for your response and suggestions, I used them when I was trying to fix up this second draft. I really don't have much experience with poetry because, I don't write very long pieces often. This is the second draft and any more comments or suggestions are welcomed from anyone =]


"Weakness" - 2nd draft

I feel weak knowing inside I can’t hide.
Someone always trying to sneak,
Into my heart into my soul,
Reaching to grab her so bold.
Always lusting for my blood,
Hanging from over head.
Waiting to spill it in the moonlight,
Where blood shines bright.
So sad my fate dangles like a thread.

Oh how weak am I?
Something I can’t answer.
Not because I do not know,
But scared of what the truth may be.

Weakness surrounds me.
They feel it in the air,
I know they do.
They hide their twisted snares behind blank faces,
Not offering a smile.
I know they wait for my death,
So they can take what’s mine.
What I thought to be,
Me being hers and she being mine.

Maybe that was only a line,
But how I wish I had a line.
One edge to keep my heart straight.
It twists and bends like the spine,
So violently it pains.
And now it rains,
Not water but red.

Will you still not offer a sign?
I have bleed dry,
I cannot continue without.
If you give me nothing now I will be nothing,
I will have nothing.
Only a bent heart lost in wondering.
I know am I weak,
This is why.

Tell me you want to stay.
I will believe even the most ridiculous lie.
My weakness is this life we have,
I want it to stay alive.

[sarah042]

I agree with 4th about your 1st draft, an interesting perspective. I really enjoyed it. As for your second, I understand your predicament improving your poetry is really hard.

I liked the changes you've made in terms of the changing of the lines and phrases, as for the punctuation it halters the flow of some sentences. There is no rule that you must have punctuation at the end of every line. What you can do is read it out loud and see when you pause, stop or you would like lines to flow into each other and this would guide you to as the punctuation you would use. As for any other improvements I would leave that to others who are much more versed than me in poetry.

Keep trying, you're written a really lovely piece, keep it up. Looking forward to more of your posts, and don't forget to swing by the contests section, you can always enter something you've already written.

[June Bear]

Thanx for the advice, and i'll be sure to check that section out in the near future =]